Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
