I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
