How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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