Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
