I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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