Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
