Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
