Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
