Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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