It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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