I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
