Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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