Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
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