This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
even my farts smell like vagina
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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