I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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