I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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