Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
