I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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