just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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