if i can run in heels then i can drive
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
