I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
