screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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