just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
