were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
