I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Someone stole a lamp last night.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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