this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
