Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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