will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
