If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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