we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
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