We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
