did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
