There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
