god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Will you blow on my dice?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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