I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
