Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
