We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
