none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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