you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Randomize
