I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
