Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
