He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
