I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
