My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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