I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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