Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
