made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
