Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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