Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
