Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
COCAINE IS GR8
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
