if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
