I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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