I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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