your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".