Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
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I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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